Father's Day is around the corner

I love this quote from Elizabeth Edwards.

If you have lost a child, you know what she is talking about.  If you haven't and know someone who has, I encourage you remember them on Father's Day.  For us, Mother's Day and Father's day are tough ones, you throw Memorial Day in between and it really sucks.  :)  Sometimes Dads are forgotten about in the grieving process, people expect them to move on quicker. 
 
“If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who’s important to them, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn’t forget they died. You’re not reminding them. What you’re reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that’s a great, great gift. – Elizabeth Edwards

Yesterday would have been Jackson's 20 month birthday. We still miss him like crazy! My friend Tara sent us the book "Heaven is for Real" for Memorial Day.  It's a great story and has a great message.  We look forward to the day we hold sweet little Jackson in Heaven!

Lisa

This is for Nana

This weekend I had a chance to go up and decorate Jackson's headstone for spring!  It's always so hard to go and even harder to leave.  It's been a while since we have been up there and it was really dragging on my heart.  So I made a point to go up and get it ready for Spring. 

I know for some people this may sound weird.  But for me, it's all I have.  It's the only way that I'm able to be a proud mama and make a big deal out of my baby!  It's so important for me to always have it decorated in the current season and it also let me know that we haven't forgotten him.  NOT that we will ever forget, but this is the one physical thing I can do to show how much we love him. 

My mom has been so great about giving me things to put on his headstone too.  It's her way of showing us that she still remembers too and how her only grandson is important to her too.  So Nana, here is a picture of the bubbles that you sent with me for Jackson.  I even spent a few minutes blowing some (and crying)! :)

I don't want every post to be about sad things, but right now, I'm just really sad.  I think it stems partly from the anxiety of the adoption process.  I know that it is only a matter of time before we will have a baby in heaven and a baby in our arms.  I long for that day when we can have that!

Thanks Nana for never forgetting!

Opening our hearts to adoption!

Adoption is something I have prayed about for the past year.  It has been in my heart, but I knew it might take some convincing for my husband. :)  I've had crazier ideas!  December 2009, shortly after Jackson was born, I ran into a college friend at a cattleman's convention.  He asked how our baby was, I shared with him that he was stillborn, and he shared with me that he and his wife had struggled with infertility and they were just beginning the adoption process.  December 2010, I ran into him at the same convention and he told me that they had a successful adoption placement.  We spent 30 minutes discussing their agency and it was that night that I knew this was something that we had to learn more about.

Ironically, they only accept classes twice a year through this agency and they would be doing interviews within the next month.

We met with the caseworker in our region over Christmas break to learn more about the program.  I had the opportunity to talk to other adoptive parents prior to the meeting as well as reading many blogs that were focused on adoption.  On the other hand, Anthony may have needed a little more convincing that this was a good match for our family.  But, after answering some of our questions, a lot of talking to each other, and praying for guidance from above we are moving forward with the process.

The process has gone like this:

• 2010
• December 20- Information Meeting
• 2011
• January 3- Submitted Formal Application
• January 15- We got an interview!!!!  Yeah!
• February 9- Formal interview.  Learn that there are 19 families and only 6 open spots
• February 18- We go accepted into the program!!!!
• March 17&18th- First group training classes
• March 22- Home study #1
• April 5- Home study #2
• April 6- Lisa individual home study
• April 28 & 29- Second group training class
• April- Anthony individual home study
• April- Final home study and walk though
• May- Complete profile for birth moms to view
• May- Profile will begin being shown!!!!!!!!!

We have been finger-printed, poked, financially dissected and various other things in the many, many, pages of paperwork that we have completed.  But the reality is that the agency has a duty to ensure birthmoms that they are placing thier child in a happy, healthy, stable home.  We are more than happy to provide any necessary information.

We will be participating in an "Open Adoption".  We are finding out that adoption is much like stillbirth and many people have complete misconceptions about the process.  That is information for another post!  :)

Please pray for us and for our future birthmom and baby!  We don't know when or where the placement will take place, but we hope it's soon!

Jackson's Story- part 2

I'm writing multiple post today as I have so many emotions filling my heart right now.  As we continue to move forward, day by day, step by step, I am still so taken back by the days when my heart still longs for sweet baby Jackson.

The first part of Jackson's story can be found here.  This is a continuation of a letter I wrote to Jackson.
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Your Daddy and I slept very little Thursday night, it was still surreal that you were gone.  I remember thinking if I fell asleep, I might wake up and find it didn't really happen.  I just wanted the pain to go away. 

Friday morning, I was released from the hospital.  I just wanted to go home and get away from the hospital.  We had taken such great care in preparing to take you home from the hospital.  I made your Daddy bring his truck and my car to the "car seat safety check".  I wanted to make things sure everything was perfect and we could keep you safe.  It never crossed my mind we wouldn't have the chance to put you in your seat.  Such great care went into picking out the perfect seat with the perfect colors for a boy or a girl.

Aunt AD took your car seat out of the truck before we left the hospital.  Everyone was doing their best to protect us from the hurt.  As we walked out of the hospital, I was numb with sadness.  
Your Daddy and I went to Madeline's for a quick bite to eat while we waited for our appointment at the funeral home.  We had to pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy and the pharmacist said to me, "you know you can't take these while pregnant."  It was the first time I had to tell someone that my baby died.  I remember the look on her face and how sorry she was for saying that. 

We went to the funeral home with Grandpa Bob to prepare for your funeral.  I still can't put into words the sadness we felt.  Again it was so hard to fathom that we were planning our sweet little baby's funeral.  I hadn't thought to bring an outfit for you to wear, I still have guilt over that.  We purchased a soft white blanket and used the outfit that we planned on taking you home in.  I had three outfits packed in your bag.  A pink one if you were a girl, a blue one if you were a boy, and the brown outfit just in case.  I couldn't bare to use the brown Gap onesie because I wanted to keep then only thing that you had the chance to wear and it had that sweet baby smell.  (Today, almost 18 months later, your brown onesie and your white hat still lay in your crib.)

I am so thankful that Grandpa Bob was there to help us with that funeral planning, I know he was in tremendous pain, but it was so helpful to have him there. 

We had a graveside service where you were laid to rest near many of your Daddy's family members.  I have had people ask why we chose where we did, and i don't really have a good answer.  Of the million things that I thought of while preggers, not once did it cross my mind on were we would have a funeral.  The funeral was very small, that's how we wanted it.  We wanted only immediate family as our hurt was so tremendous that we weren't sure how we would ever get though it. 

Your little white casket was so tiny and had a beautiful arrangement of white baby roses.  We said our goodbyes.  I just remember being so sad.  It's not fair that you were taken from us.

After the funeral, we had lunch with our families and then everyone headed to their respective homes, as your mommy and daddy needed time alone.  We are so thankful for everyone support during this time. 

I don't remember much about the next week or two.  I read a lot of books and searched for answers on why. 

We received so many cards from family and friends.  You touched so many peoples lives who you never even met. 

I took two and half weeks off work to heal physically and spiritually.  I then returned to work very part time. It was enough to keep me busy while allowing me enough time to miss you.  The book "empty arms" is such an accurate statement for how I feel.  I miss you so much and just want to hold you in my arms again.  This isn't how life is suppose to be.

I promise to never go long between visits and always have your gave as beautiful as I would have your room.

We miss you so much-
Love
Mommy

A Bicycle Built for Two

Last week Father Paul gave a homily that really touched my heart, it was just what I needed to hear!

The entire message revolved around the premise that sometimes life is like riding a tandem bicycle with God.  Most of the time, we put God on back and we peddle like crazy.  It's our way, we are steering and we are in charge of our life.  Making plans but forgetting that that's not how it works. 

It's God that needs to be in the front seat doing the steering and it's our job to sit in back and keep peddling.  We have to do the work and follow God's plan. 

We are thankful for our church family and blessed with wonderful church leaders.  Faith is such an important part of our journey and we have to stay focused on on God's plan for us. 

Cheers to Saturday and keep peddling!

The Good, the Bad, The kinda Ugly

Well, I have a few post that I have needed to write, but for some reason, I've avoided it.  So, to get back on track, I'm going to start with this.....

The Bad
Last Monday, we sent our dog, D.O.G, aka- Fat Boy, aka Fat Bastard, to Doggie Heaven.  Such a sad day for us.  Anthony had D.O.G long before I came into the picture.  He was an adoption from a local farmer.  He was very curious and had a strong sense of adventure.  My favorite story is from his younger days when he somehow wandered away from the house (he was very good at wandering) and he disappeared for a couple of weeks.  Some time later, Anthony saw his picture hanging in the local bar as a "lost and found" case.  Apparently, he was walking down the road and hopped in a car with some people who thought he was lost.  :)  We always said he wasn't fat....just misproportioned.   Everyone knows how much we love our dogs and we will always remember his love for food!


D.O.G and Carsen 2009

The Good and the Ugly

Well, if you know how much we love our dogs, you also know that we always have more than one, so we are happy to announce our new addition..... Lizzy "the Lizzard" Brass.  She is a Irish wolfhound and is a gentle GIANT. Lizzard is definitely a lover, she can't get enough attention.  This week we also discovered she is a total drama queen, therefore she and I should get along just fine!  :)  She is almost as big as Kay's miniature donkeys, measuring almost 6 feet nose to tail and 3 /2 feet tall.  She has the face only a father could love... making her the good and the ugly of this story.  Ha!

And since a mama can't leave out one of her "kids" here is a picture of Mick, aka- DJ Spotty Spot, enjoying some time inside!

Happy Friday Friends!