Jackson's Story- part 2

I'm writing multiple post today as I have so many emotions filling my heart right now.  As we continue to move forward, day by day, step by step, I am still so taken back by the days when my heart still longs for sweet baby Jackson.

The first part of Jackson's story can be found here.  This is a continuation of a letter I wrote to Jackson.
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Your Daddy and I slept very little Thursday night, it was still surreal that you were gone.  I remember thinking if I fell asleep, I might wake up and find it didn't really happen.  I just wanted the pain to go away. 

Friday morning, I was released from the hospital.  I just wanted to go home and get away from the hospital.  We had taken such great care in preparing to take you home from the hospital.  I made your Daddy bring his truck and my car to the "car seat safety check".  I wanted to make things sure everything was perfect and we could keep you safe.  It never crossed my mind we wouldn't have the chance to put you in your seat.  Such great care went into picking out the perfect seat with the perfect colors for a boy or a girl.

Aunt AD took your car seat out of the truck before we left the hospital.  Everyone was doing their best to protect us from the hurt.  As we walked out of the hospital, I was numb with sadness.  
Your Daddy and I went to Madeline's for a quick bite to eat while we waited for our appointment at the funeral home.  We had to pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy and the pharmacist said to me, "you know you can't take these while pregnant."  It was the first time I had to tell someone that my baby died.  I remember the look on her face and how sorry she was for saying that. 

We went to the funeral home with Grandpa Bob to prepare for your funeral.  I still can't put into words the sadness we felt.  Again it was so hard to fathom that we were planning our sweet little baby's funeral.  I hadn't thought to bring an outfit for you to wear, I still have guilt over that.  We purchased a soft white blanket and used the outfit that we planned on taking you home in.  I had three outfits packed in your bag.  A pink one if you were a girl, a blue one if you were a boy, and the brown outfit just in case.  I couldn't bare to use the brown Gap onesie because I wanted to keep then only thing that you had the chance to wear and it had that sweet baby smell.  (Today, almost 18 months later, your brown onesie and your white hat still lay in your crib.)

I am so thankful that Grandpa Bob was there to help us with that funeral planning, I know he was in tremendous pain, but it was so helpful to have him there. 

We had a graveside service where you were laid to rest near many of your Daddy's family members.  I have had people ask why we chose where we did, and i don't really have a good answer.  Of the million things that I thought of while preggers, not once did it cross my mind on were we would have a funeral.  The funeral was very small, that's how we wanted it.  We wanted only immediate family as our hurt was so tremendous that we weren't sure how we would ever get though it. 

Your little white casket was so tiny and had a beautiful arrangement of white baby roses.  We said our goodbyes.  I just remember being so sad.  It's not fair that you were taken from us.

After the funeral, we had lunch with our families and then everyone headed to their respective homes, as your mommy and daddy needed time alone.  We are so thankful for everyone support during this time. 

I don't remember much about the next week or two.  I read a lot of books and searched for answers on why. 

We received so many cards from family and friends.  You touched so many peoples lives who you never even met. 

I took two and half weeks off work to heal physically and spiritually.  I then returned to work very part time. It was enough to keep me busy while allowing me enough time to miss you.  The book "empty arms" is such an accurate statement for how I feel.  I miss you so much and just want to hold you in my arms again.  This isn't how life is suppose to be.

I promise to never go long between visits and always have your gave as beautiful as I would have your room.

We miss you so much-
Love
Mommy