Jackson's Story- part 2

I'm writing multiple post today as I have so many emotions filling my heart right now.  As we continue to move forward, day by day, step by step, I am still so taken back by the days when my heart still longs for sweet baby Jackson.

The first part of Jackson's story can be found here.  This is a continuation of a letter I wrote to Jackson.
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Your Daddy and I slept very little Thursday night, it was still surreal that you were gone.  I remember thinking if I fell asleep, I might wake up and find it didn't really happen.  I just wanted the pain to go away. 

Friday morning, I was released from the hospital.  I just wanted to go home and get away from the hospital.  We had taken such great care in preparing to take you home from the hospital.  I made your Daddy bring his truck and my car to the "car seat safety check".  I wanted to make things sure everything was perfect and we could keep you safe.  It never crossed my mind we wouldn't have the chance to put you in your seat.  Such great care went into picking out the perfect seat with the perfect colors for a boy or a girl.

Aunt AD took your car seat out of the truck before we left the hospital.  Everyone was doing their best to protect us from the hurt.  As we walked out of the hospital, I was numb with sadness.  
Your Daddy and I went to Madeline's for a quick bite to eat while we waited for our appointment at the funeral home.  We had to pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy and the pharmacist said to me, "you know you can't take these while pregnant."  It was the first time I had to tell someone that my baby died.  I remember the look on her face and how sorry she was for saying that. 

We went to the funeral home with Grandpa Bob to prepare for your funeral.  I still can't put into words the sadness we felt.  Again it was so hard to fathom that we were planning our sweet little baby's funeral.  I hadn't thought to bring an outfit for you to wear, I still have guilt over that.  We purchased a soft white blanket and used the outfit that we planned on taking you home in.  I had three outfits packed in your bag.  A pink one if you were a girl, a blue one if you were a boy, and the brown outfit just in case.  I couldn't bare to use the brown Gap onesie because I wanted to keep then only thing that you had the chance to wear and it had that sweet baby smell.  (Today, almost 18 months later, your brown onesie and your white hat still lay in your crib.)

I am so thankful that Grandpa Bob was there to help us with that funeral planning, I know he was in tremendous pain, but it was so helpful to have him there. 

We had a graveside service where you were laid to rest near many of your Daddy's family members.  I have had people ask why we chose where we did, and i don't really have a good answer.  Of the million things that I thought of while preggers, not once did it cross my mind on were we would have a funeral.  The funeral was very small, that's how we wanted it.  We wanted only immediate family as our hurt was so tremendous that we weren't sure how we would ever get though it. 

Your little white casket was so tiny and had a beautiful arrangement of white baby roses.  We said our goodbyes.  I just remember being so sad.  It's not fair that you were taken from us.

After the funeral, we had lunch with our families and then everyone headed to their respective homes, as your mommy and daddy needed time alone.  We are so thankful for everyone support during this time. 

I don't remember much about the next week or two.  I read a lot of books and searched for answers on why. 

We received so many cards from family and friends.  You touched so many peoples lives who you never even met. 

I took two and half weeks off work to heal physically and spiritually.  I then returned to work very part time. It was enough to keep me busy while allowing me enough time to miss you.  The book "empty arms" is such an accurate statement for how I feel.  I miss you so much and just want to hold you in my arms again.  This isn't how life is suppose to be.

I promise to never go long between visits and always have your gave as beautiful as I would have your room.

We miss you so much-
Love
Mommy

Jackson's Story

This is the story I've been waiting to share, not sure if or when I would post it.  I was recently asked to write a story for the Star Legacy Foundation's newsletter, so I thought this was a great time.  We just celebrated Jackson Thomas's first heavenly birthday. 

Some days I wonder how I survived the past 365 days, most days it was breath in, breath out and put one foot in front of the other.  You have to just keep going.

This is a letter I wrote on November 21, 2009 to Jackson (Warning...it's long)  :)   :

It's a Saturday morning, just over 7 weeks since we said goodbye to you, sweet little Jackson.  We still miss you just as much as we did the first day.  I look at your room and my heart breaks knowing what a good mommy and daddy we would have been.

I'm going to try and start from the beginning so we remember everything about you. 

I got pregnant in early January, we were surprised it happened so quickly.  Your daddy didn't believe me at first.  I had really bad heartburn and even worse morning sickness.  I would throw up 5, 6, 7 times a day.  Everyone kept telling me that it was a sign of a healthy baby.  With the help of some medicine, that got better and I got over the hump around six months.  We had a relatively mild summer, even the State Fair and Husker Harvest Days weren't so bad.  It was just all those trips to the bathroom that made it hard.  I wasn't sure about being prego after all the morning sickness, but I really loved the last three months.  I loved that my belly just grew and grew. 

Your Doctor was very laid back and tells your mommy lots of funny stuff. 

I remember the ultra-sound when they discovered I had a low lying placenta.  I was so scared, but everything looked good after a second ultra-sound. 

You were usually very quite until about 5:00 at night and right before bed.  You would kick me like crazy and your daddy and I would lay there and wait for you to kick so he could feel you too.  We loved that time together.  I snored really bad and your daddy spent a lot of time sleeping on the couch.

September 30, 2009 is the day that changed our lives forever.  I went to work that Wednesday hoping you would make your appearance into the world.  I had been waiting for the last week impatiently.  I was tired of working and just excited to be home with you. 

I knew something was different that day.  I remember telling the girls at work I didn't know if it was contractions or if that was how I was suppose to feel so close to your due date.  I ended up leaving work early that day.  I came home and took the dogs on a walk and then we went to our first night of religious ed classes.

We got home and I remember feeling pain- not sure what contractions were suppose to feel like.  They were between  12- 18 minutes apart.  We called Grandma Kay and she suggested we call the Dr.  I didn't want to be paranoid, so I laid down in bed and they just kept getting closer and closer together.  So we called and Dr. H was on call.  He told us to head for the hospital.  We were so excited.  I had my bags packed for the past month and a half waiting for your arrival.  We headed to town and knew our lives were about to change, but it was suppose to be for the good.

We got to the hospital around 11:30.  The first two nurses couldn't find your heartbeat.  We had to wait for Dr. H to get there and he confirmed the same thing.  Dr. W was the OB/GYN on call.  He arrived around 2:00 a.m. and did a second ultra-sound (Mommy doesn't like this Dr.and his very bad bedside manner).  We finally called your grandparents and told them the sad news.  I remember it feeling surreal. 

At 4:00 a.m. they started the process to induce me and gave me the epidural.  We had the most wonderful nurses who gave us so much comfort until our families arrived.

I called your Aunt AD at 5:30 and had her call your Aunt Jill.  Grandma and Grandpa Brass came to the hospital right away since they live close and Nana, Papa, and Aunt AD arrived later that  morning.  Aunt J arrived later that day due to her long distance drive. Uncle M and Aunt S made it back too.



It was around 6:00 p.m. when you were finally ready to come out and greet the world in your peaceful sleep.  The labor was easy- I was mentally checked out as I was trying to understand how this could all be happening. 

You were born Jackson Thomas Brass at 7:21 on October 1, 2009.  You weighed 6 lbs 15 oz and were 21 inches long.  You were so perfect and beautiful.  You had your mommy's lips and your daddy's feet.  We don't know what color your eyes were, you opened them in Heaven.

We were able to hold you.  Your daddy gave you a bath and put on your brown GAP onesie and your little white hat.  You look so cute.  I had packed a pink outfit and a blue outfit since we didn't know if you were going to be a girl or a boy.  But I felt like the brown outfit was perfect for you.  Everyone got the chance to hold you.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to hold you, but once I did, I never wanted to let you go.

LisaKay is a local photographer that came in and took your pictures.  I wasn't sure I wanted to take pictures either, but after I saw how beautiful and perfect you were, I wanted every memory possible. 

About 11:30, we said our final goodbyes.  I wish I hadn't said good bye so quickly.

Father Paul came to the hospital and baptised you.  We will hold you again in heaven someday.  Some people dream of angels, I held one in my arms.

*that is our story from the beginning until we said our goodbyes.  I will write about the days after including his funeral in another post. 

What not to Say

When I began this blog, I did it with the intention to help others. This post if for the friends and family of families who have lost a little one. If you are someone who has lost a little a child due to stillbirth, please add additions in the comments sections. This is not a complete list, I'm sure I will add to it with time.

I am a self described know-it-all, I'm sure there is more than one (o.k. closer to a million) occasion that I have offered unsolicited advice to my friends and family on every topic from finances to dating. But since losing Jackson, I have become much softer with my tongue, letting comments go to my brain-then mouth. The filter method is working well for me.

In the past 6.5 months I have had so much support from so many people, it was amazing who steps up in a time of need and who really sucks.

This blog was prompted by a recent run in with a former co-worker. While her intentions were good, her comments were so hurtful. In the case of a loss, less is definitely more when it comes to words. I understand the awkwardness of not knowing what to say. I also greatly appreciate the fact that people acknowledge Jackson. Even if what they say hurts my broken heart. It's kind of a double edge sword for me.

So here are a list of few things not to say (in my opinion of course!)-

• God needed another angel- This one is going to be hard for me to write on right now, because as a women of faith, I am still angry with God. But I will tell you as a women who held her baby in my arms, I didn't want to give god an angel. I know that Jackson is in heaven and I am slowing coming to terms with having a special angel, but I wasn't in it for making angels.
• God only takes children if there is something wrong-I held a perfectly precious baby with 10 fingers and 10 toes and doctors can't give me a medical explanations for the stillbirth.
• God only gives us what he knows we can handle- If you are listening God- my plate is full.
• It wasn't meant to be- Who are we to decide that?
• You can try again- There will always be a place in our hearts for Jackson and no other child will ever replace that. We will be thankful for more children and we will love them with all our hearts, but they will never be meant to replace J.T.
• Aren't you glad it didn't happened after he was born- Nope. I had the most wonderful 9.5 months getting to know him in my womb. I would have given anything for just one moment to hear him cry. I do not take anything away from parents that have lost a child after birth, and I can't imagine how hard that would be. I just wish I would have got to bring my baby home with me.
• A lot of people that I know have lost babies- Yes, unfortunately many women have lost children. I am so sorry for mothers that have early term miscarriages. It's not better or worse to have a child that is born stillborn, it's just different. I know that we had a baby that we were able to love for 9.5 months, much longer than some parents get to experience. But to go until two days before his due day with all the hopes and expectations of bringing that baby home to be part of your life is unfathomable. The first things we did as parents was plan Jackson's funeral. That's not suppose to be the circle of life. I am thankful for the pictures we were able to take and the memories we will cherish for a lifetime.

That's all for today- I promise to start posting more pictures. We have been working so hard in the yard the last few weeks. Our trees we planted last fall are all blooming beautifully. The tree we planted for Jackson was the last one to bloom. I feel like it is God reminding us again to be patient and good things will come.