Jackson's Story

This is the story I've been waiting to share, not sure if or when I would post it.  I was recently asked to write a story for the Star Legacy Foundation's newsletter, so I thought this was a great time.  We just celebrated Jackson Thomas's first heavenly birthday. 

Some days I wonder how I survived the past 365 days, most days it was breath in, breath out and put one foot in front of the other.  You have to just keep going.

This is a letter I wrote on November 21, 2009 to Jackson (Warning...it's long)  :)   :

It's a Saturday morning, just over 7 weeks since we said goodbye to you, sweet little Jackson.  We still miss you just as much as we did the first day.  I look at your room and my heart breaks knowing what a good mommy and daddy we would have been.

I'm going to try and start from the beginning so we remember everything about you. 

I got pregnant in early January, we were surprised it happened so quickly.  Your daddy didn't believe me at first.  I had really bad heartburn and even worse morning sickness.  I would throw up 5, 6, 7 times a day.  Everyone kept telling me that it was a sign of a healthy baby.  With the help of some medicine, that got better and I got over the hump around six months.  We had a relatively mild summer, even the State Fair and Husker Harvest Days weren't so bad.  It was just all those trips to the bathroom that made it hard.  I wasn't sure about being prego after all the morning sickness, but I really loved the last three months.  I loved that my belly just grew and grew. 

Your Doctor was very laid back and tells your mommy lots of funny stuff. 

I remember the ultra-sound when they discovered I had a low lying placenta.  I was so scared, but everything looked good after a second ultra-sound. 

You were usually very quite until about 5:00 at night and right before bed.  You would kick me like crazy and your daddy and I would lay there and wait for you to kick so he could feel you too.  We loved that time together.  I snored really bad and your daddy spent a lot of time sleeping on the couch.

September 30, 2009 is the day that changed our lives forever.  I went to work that Wednesday hoping you would make your appearance into the world.  I had been waiting for the last week impatiently.  I was tired of working and just excited to be home with you. 

I knew something was different that day.  I remember telling the girls at work I didn't know if it was contractions or if that was how I was suppose to feel so close to your due date.  I ended up leaving work early that day.  I came home and took the dogs on a walk and then we went to our first night of religious ed classes.

We got home and I remember feeling pain- not sure what contractions were suppose to feel like.  They were between  12- 18 minutes apart.  We called Grandma Kay and she suggested we call the Dr.  I didn't want to be paranoid, so I laid down in bed and they just kept getting closer and closer together.  So we called and Dr. H was on call.  He told us to head for the hospital.  We were so excited.  I had my bags packed for the past month and a half waiting for your arrival.  We headed to town and knew our lives were about to change, but it was suppose to be for the good.

We got to the hospital around 11:30.  The first two nurses couldn't find your heartbeat.  We had to wait for Dr. H to get there and he confirmed the same thing.  Dr. W was the OB/GYN on call.  He arrived around 2:00 a.m. and did a second ultra-sound (Mommy doesn't like this Dr.and his very bad bedside manner).  We finally called your grandparents and told them the sad news.  I remember it feeling surreal. 

At 4:00 a.m. they started the process to induce me and gave me the epidural.  We had the most wonderful nurses who gave us so much comfort until our families arrived.

I called your Aunt AD at 5:30 and had her call your Aunt Jill.  Grandma and Grandpa Brass came to the hospital right away since they live close and Nana, Papa, and Aunt AD arrived later that  morning.  Aunt J arrived later that day due to her long distance drive. Uncle M and Aunt S made it back too.



It was around 6:00 p.m. when you were finally ready to come out and greet the world in your peaceful sleep.  The labor was easy- I was mentally checked out as I was trying to understand how this could all be happening. 

You were born Jackson Thomas Brass at 7:21 on October 1, 2009.  You weighed 6 lbs 15 oz and were 21 inches long.  You were so perfect and beautiful.  You had your mommy's lips and your daddy's feet.  We don't know what color your eyes were, you opened them in Heaven.

We were able to hold you.  Your daddy gave you a bath and put on your brown GAP onesie and your little white hat.  You look so cute.  I had packed a pink outfit and a blue outfit since we didn't know if you were going to be a girl or a boy.  But I felt like the brown outfit was perfect for you.  Everyone got the chance to hold you.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to hold you, but once I did, I never wanted to let you go.

LisaKay is a local photographer that came in and took your pictures.  I wasn't sure I wanted to take pictures either, but after I saw how beautiful and perfect you were, I wanted every memory possible. 

About 11:30, we said our final goodbyes.  I wish I hadn't said good bye so quickly.

Father Paul came to the hospital and baptised you.  We will hold you again in heaven someday.  Some people dream of angels, I held one in my arms.

*that is our story from the beginning until we said our goodbyes.  I will write about the days after including his funeral in another post. 

Long time, no write!

Hello to all!  It's been a busy few months here at the Brass house.

I will post a special post for Jackson' s first heavenly birthday, but just want to update you on how life has been going.

We were so excited that we finally were pregnant.  I mean REALLY pregnant again.  Unfortunately, we had a miscarriage at 10.5 weeks.  Although we were so disappointed, we knew that there were some early signals that indicated it was a high risk pregnancy. We have sent another angel to Heaven. :(

Husker football is in full swing and we are 3-0.  T-Magic wasn't so magic last week.  We look forward to next week's first conference game against Kansas State!

We celebrated our second anniversary in September.  I am so thankful for my husband.  He is my best friend and has been so wonderful over the past year.  I made these crazy cupcakes for him.  He LOVES tye-dye!

Star Legacy Foundation

As kids, our parents had many good friends from church.  There was a family that both of their parents sang in the Church choir with my mom.  So, their kids, who were the same age as my sister and I, would run around the basement of the church and play games every Wednesday night for years. 

Fast forward many years later, there daughter Lindsey had a son that was born stillborn in 2004.  I remember hearing about it at the time, but not realizing the impact it would have on our lives down the road. 

In remembrance of their son, Garrett, Lindsey and her husband Trent created the Star Legacy Foundation.  The SLF is dedicated to research and education to prevent stillbirth.  I am thankful for the support that their family has provided to us over the past nine months.  It's one of those things that it's hard to understand until you have been there. 

Next weekend our families will make the trip to the Denver area for the annual Golfing for Garrett event.  On Friday evening, Dr. Jason Collins, from The Pregnancy Institute of New Roads, Louisiana, will be speaking to families, Dr's and nurses about his recent research regarding still birth.  If you are close to the Denver area, I encourage you to attend this event.  All the information can be found on the website.

I am very excited for a weekend of family, a weekend to remember sweet little Jackson, and of course raise money for an important cause.  Hope to see you there!

Tickets- Get your tickets! All aboard the TTC roller coaster!

Part of the reason I started this blog was to help me remember the journey we have been on.  So although this isn't a subject I talk about publicly, I think it is important to add to this blog so one day we can remember how far we have come.

July 1st, Jackson would have been nine months old.  We have persevered through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Mothers Day, Memorial Day, Fathers Day and now 4th of July.  We miss him so much everyday, but somehow each day gets a little bit easier.  I still have people ask at least once a week (see post below) how our baby is.  I have come to cherish that questions as it gives me the chance to tell everyone he was here, but is no longer and we miss him terribly. 

So- on to the title of this post.  The roller coaster of TTC (Trying to Conceive).  I never thought I would know the meaning of TTC, BBT, HPT, 2WW.  But now I do.  We have been TTC since December.  After six months, I went to our OB (Dr. Three) to see what our options were.  Our Family Practice Dr. had suggested we might think about Clomid.  Well-Dr. Three gave the kibosh to any fertility treatments until after one year has passed.  SO FRUSTRATED.  Her nurse tried to tell me me that six months wasn't that long.  My response was "well, you don't walk by an empty baby room every day."  That shut her up.  Stupid comments deserve stupid answers.  Once again, until you have walked in my shoes, you don't get to judge. 

Dr. Three's main concern  is that I am now a high risk patient and it would not be in my/my child's best interest to increase the chance for multiples.  I completely understand the medical perspective of that, and i respect that she is doing the best thing for me.  But GRRRRRRRRR.  It's the two week wait game that is killing me.  We have had 3 chemical pregnancies in the past three months.  It's amazing how you can get your hopes up in just one day! 

I would like to make a suggestion to those out there that are TTC.  We purchased the OV Watch a few months ago and it has be awesome. It's not magical, but it takes so much of the stress out of the process.  Although I did tell my niece that it was a magic watch!  You don't have to take a daily temp, all you have to do is wear the watch each night and it reads a chemical in your skin.  Love it!

I will keep my ticket for the TTC roller coaster, hoping that God will want me to trade it in soon.  I pray each day for a baby for us to hold and to love. 

A blog makeover!

Hello Friends!

As you can see- Tiny Toes and Sunshine Lullabies got a makeover! It's still not 100% the way I want it, but it will do for a while! When I began my blog I wasn't sure how much I would use it, but I have really enjoyed the blogging world so far.

I have been working on it for much of the 4th of July holiday weekend.  My husband thinks I'm a little crazy!  I'm not creative- AT ALL, so this has been hard for me.  I'm more of a black and white personality. 

I went on the garden walk with my mom last weekend.  It was SO fun.  It was my mom and three of her girlfriends whom have all been friends for over 40 years.  I think it is so wonderful that they have these friendships.  They have been through weddings (theirs and their children's), births, deaths, laughter and tears.  I think every women should have a core group of friends like this.  I am so lucky to have my sisters and my sweet friends to complete this group for me.  Each one of them has brought something special to my life! 

Here are a few pics from the garden walk.  (I promised to publish more pictures since Tara said post without pictures are boring! he he)

I love this water feature!  Someday we hope to have one in our yard!

Here is a beautiful yard (not sure who the random people are)!  I can't imagine how much time they spend in their yard! 

If only losing weight was as easy as putting on makeup

So, you know how I like to bake? Well right now my body shows it. Weight has never been an easy topic for me. I was never a chubby kid, but I was never scrawny either. It’s always been a joke how my older sister wore the 8 slim and I wore the 8 regular. In high school, I wasn’t skinny, but I was average. High school sports tend to keep girls like me from packing on the pounds. Then came college…..and beer and pizza. As a college freshman, I quickly put on weight from having WAY too much fun and not enough exercise. We always joked that our sorority was the farthest from the Rec center and the closest to Maggie Moo’s (it was an ice cream shop for those of you who aren’t from the Midwest). I had a couple of great friends that were great enablers and I love them dearly (you know who you are).

After college, I got back into shape and was regularly working out. We’ll along came my husband and the rest went downhill from there. I slowly gained weight back and by the time our wedding took place, I was heavier than I would have liked to be, but oh well. I have always had a lot of self confidence and weight never really bothered me until now. Ugh.

I am 30lbs heavier (I can’t believe I had to write that number down) than I was before I got pregnant with Jackson. Jackson was born in October and I had a hard time recovering from the birth. It was just one thing after another that kept slowing the process down. Then came the Christmas season- I ate my way through the Holidays, hoping to take the pain in my heart away. It didn’t. It just made my butt bigger. Well, the excuse of “I just had a baby” is now no longer justifiable since that was almost 9 months ago. I never even got to use that excuse at stores, because if you say you had a baby, everyone wants to know about the baby. Part of me has held on to the weight to remind everyone that I was prego and Jackson did exist. Worse thing is that some people can’t tell I am prego again, so they dance around the question. I quickly respond with a “nope, just chubby” and smile. That shuts them up.

Today is a new day. I am back to portion control and making smart choices. I have starting training for my first 5k. It is in June and is to promote cancer awareness. I will run in honor of my dad who has bravely fought cancer for the past six years. Every time I think about how much running hurts, I think of what he has been through and how important it is for me to keep going. Exercise has been good for me both physically and mentally. Now, if my rather large butt would just go away.

Weekend Fun

It has been a busy couple of weeks for Anthony and I. This is his busiest time of the year at work, so I try and pick up the slack in the yard and with our crazy dogs.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Des Moines to visit my sister and we were joined by my niece Carsen from Kansas City. It was such a great weekend to have her aunts spoil her rotten! At 4, she is at such a wonderful age. We took her to Adventureland and she couldn't get enough of the rides- especially the big ferris wheel! She's a little bit sassy- but then, so are we! We love her so much!



I took my camera to Des Moines to capture pictures for my blog- but then I didn't want to drag it into Adventureland. We have a Nikon D60 that I love, but I definately need to get a smaller camera that I can just throw in my purse.

You think that small friends don't always know what's going on around them, but it's amazing what they catch on to. When Jackson was born, my sister didn't bring Carsen with her to the hospital. At 3.5 years old, we figured it would just be really hard to understand. Carsen knows that we had a baby and that he went to Heaven, but I never really thought she knew much more than that. Recently my sister was telling her about a friend of theirs that had a baby and Carsen asked if they got to "keep" their baby. It broke my heart.

My mom is coming to town today to help me work on my flower gardens. I got really anxious this year and planted things just a little too early- because it's suppose to FREEZE tonight. Boo. I'm going to look like that crazy lady with sheets all over her yard trying to protect everything. Two years ago, the weekend after I planted we got a terrible hail storm and I had to replant a whole bunch of stuff. Unfortunately it was later in the spring and all the really cute stuff was gone from the greenhouses. So that year, our yard wasn't as cute as I had hoped.

I am punting the idea of a vegetable garden this year. With so many other things going on in our lives, I just don't have the time to do it right. Last year I made a lame attempt at tomato plants in pots- HUGE mistake. I had to water them twice a day to keep them from dying. So this year, I'm going to support the local farmers market and leave it up to them!

I love spring!

What not to Say

When I began this blog, I did it with the intention to help others. This post if for the friends and family of families who have lost a little one. If you are someone who has lost a little a child due to stillbirth, please add additions in the comments sections. This is not a complete list, I'm sure I will add to it with time.

I am a self described know-it-all, I'm sure there is more than one (o.k. closer to a million) occasion that I have offered unsolicited advice to my friends and family on every topic from finances to dating. But since losing Jackson, I have become much softer with my tongue, letting comments go to my brain-then mouth. The filter method is working well for me.

In the past 6.5 months I have had so much support from so many people, it was amazing who steps up in a time of need and who really sucks.

This blog was prompted by a recent run in with a former co-worker. While her intentions were good, her comments were so hurtful. In the case of a loss, less is definitely more when it comes to words. I understand the awkwardness of not knowing what to say. I also greatly appreciate the fact that people acknowledge Jackson. Even if what they say hurts my broken heart. It's kind of a double edge sword for me.

So here are a list of few things not to say (in my opinion of course!)-

• God needed another angel- This one is going to be hard for me to write on right now, because as a women of faith, I am still angry with God. But I will tell you as a women who held her baby in my arms, I didn't want to give god an angel. I know that Jackson is in heaven and I am slowing coming to terms with having a special angel, but I wasn't in it for making angels.
• God only takes children if there is something wrong-I held a perfectly precious baby with 10 fingers and 10 toes and doctors can't give me a medical explanations for the stillbirth.
• God only gives us what he knows we can handle- If you are listening God- my plate is full.
• It wasn't meant to be- Who are we to decide that?
• You can try again- There will always be a place in our hearts for Jackson and no other child will ever replace that. We will be thankful for more children and we will love them with all our hearts, but they will never be meant to replace J.T.
• Aren't you glad it didn't happened after he was born- Nope. I had the most wonderful 9.5 months getting to know him in my womb. I would have given anything for just one moment to hear him cry. I do not take anything away from parents that have lost a child after birth, and I can't imagine how hard that would be. I just wish I would have got to bring my baby home with me.
• A lot of people that I know have lost babies- Yes, unfortunately many women have lost children. I am so sorry for mothers that have early term miscarriages. It's not better or worse to have a child that is born stillborn, it's just different. I know that we had a baby that we were able to love for 9.5 months, much longer than some parents get to experience. But to go until two days before his due day with all the hopes and expectations of bringing that baby home to be part of your life is unfathomable. The first things we did as parents was plan Jackson's funeral. That's not suppose to be the circle of life. I am thankful for the pictures we were able to take and the memories we will cherish for a lifetime.

That's all for today- I promise to start posting more pictures. We have been working so hard in the yard the last few weeks. Our trees we planted last fall are all blooming beautifully. The tree we planted for Jackson was the last one to bloom. I feel like it is God reminding us again to be patient and good things will come.

Spring has Sprung

Yesterday was one of the most beautiful days we have had in a long time. I spent the weekend at my parents house in western Nebraska. This is one of the busiest times of the year for my husband, so he stayed home. Boo. I hurried back Sunday morning to make sure we could spend most of Easter together.





Holidays are always bittersweet. Easter is a celebration to praise our risen savior. I enjoyed going to the early morning church service with my mom. That service that always seemed SO early as a child- we begged mom and dad not to have to go so we could stay home and eat the candy we had received in our Easter baskets. We usually didn't have to go to church until the 10:00 service. I'm not sure why my memories of Easter as a child always involve white patent leather shoes that would scratch and get a big black mark on them by the end of the day.





The flip side of the day is spent thinking about how we would have celebrated Jackson's first Easter. My heart ached as I watched all the children in their cute Easter clothes and I think what I would have gotten for him to wear. I'm guessing he would have gotten an Easter basket full of candy that Anthony and I would have ate! ha! We know he celebrated with the other little one's in Heaven- Easter egg hunt and all!





We purchased a new grill this weekend and on that note I want to let the folks at Weber grills know that the estimated time of 30 minutes for assembly is only accurate if you have 14 hands and go go gadget arms. Seriously it took me 2 hours to complete the task with no extra parts at the end! ;) Oh how I love to grill! Steaks last night and hamburgers tonight with sauteed onions, red peppers and provolone cheese. Yummy! It's Bobby Flay's Philly Burger from www.foodnetwork.com

A newbie to the blogging world

Well- here it is, my official first post of "Tiny Toes and Sunshine Lullabies." I want to make this blog about life not death, about hellos not goodbyes. Today would be our sweet little Jackson's 6 month birthday. We still miss him as much as we did 6 months ago. I thought this would be a good time to start our blog and hopefully help other mommies who's babies that went to heaven too soon.

I'm not sure anyone will ever read this blog (except my mom of course), but that's ok. I am excited to record our journey of whatever life has for us next. You will see our crazy life- for better or worse.

Why the name of Tiny Toes and Sunshine Lullabies? My favorite picture of Jackson is the one with his toes and the sunshine part comes from the day of his funeral. It was a cold day, but out of nowhere, the sun popped out of the clouds just long enough for the short service we had. The same thing happened the first day we to the cemetery to visit him. I believe when I see the sun, it's Jackson smiling down on us reminding us of brighter days ahead.