Jackson's Story

This is the story I've been waiting to share, not sure if or when I would post it.  I was recently asked to write a story for the Star Legacy Foundation's newsletter, so I thought this was a great time.  We just celebrated Jackson Thomas's first heavenly birthday. 

Some days I wonder how I survived the past 365 days, most days it was breath in, breath out and put one foot in front of the other.  You have to just keep going.

This is a letter I wrote on November 21, 2009 to Jackson (Warning...it's long)  :)   :

It's a Saturday morning, just over 7 weeks since we said goodbye to you, sweet little Jackson.  We still miss you just as much as we did the first day.  I look at your room and my heart breaks knowing what a good mommy and daddy we would have been.

I'm going to try and start from the beginning so we remember everything about you. 

I got pregnant in early January, we were surprised it happened so quickly.  Your daddy didn't believe me at first.  I had really bad heartburn and even worse morning sickness.  I would throw up 5, 6, 7 times a day.  Everyone kept telling me that it was a sign of a healthy baby.  With the help of some medicine, that got better and I got over the hump around six months.  We had a relatively mild summer, even the State Fair and Husker Harvest Days weren't so bad.  It was just all those trips to the bathroom that made it hard.  I wasn't sure about being prego after all the morning sickness, but I really loved the last three months.  I loved that my belly just grew and grew. 

Your Doctor was very laid back and tells your mommy lots of funny stuff. 

I remember the ultra-sound when they discovered I had a low lying placenta.  I was so scared, but everything looked good after a second ultra-sound. 

You were usually very quite until about 5:00 at night and right before bed.  You would kick me like crazy and your daddy and I would lay there and wait for you to kick so he could feel you too.  We loved that time together.  I snored really bad and your daddy spent a lot of time sleeping on the couch.

September 30, 2009 is the day that changed our lives forever.  I went to work that Wednesday hoping you would make your appearance into the world.  I had been waiting for the last week impatiently.  I was tired of working and just excited to be home with you. 

I knew something was different that day.  I remember telling the girls at work I didn't know if it was contractions or if that was how I was suppose to feel so close to your due date.  I ended up leaving work early that day.  I came home and took the dogs on a walk and then we went to our first night of religious ed classes.

We got home and I remember feeling pain- not sure what contractions were suppose to feel like.  They were between  12- 18 minutes apart.  We called Grandma Kay and she suggested we call the Dr.  I didn't want to be paranoid, so I laid down in bed and they just kept getting closer and closer together.  So we called and Dr. H was on call.  He told us to head for the hospital.  We were so excited.  I had my bags packed for the past month and a half waiting for your arrival.  We headed to town and knew our lives were about to change, but it was suppose to be for the good.

We got to the hospital around 11:30.  The first two nurses couldn't find your heartbeat.  We had to wait for Dr. H to get there and he confirmed the same thing.  Dr. W was the OB/GYN on call.  He arrived around 2:00 a.m. and did a second ultra-sound (Mommy doesn't like this Dr.and his very bad bedside manner).  We finally called your grandparents and told them the sad news.  I remember it feeling surreal. 

At 4:00 a.m. they started the process to induce me and gave me the epidural.  We had the most wonderful nurses who gave us so much comfort until our families arrived.

I called your Aunt AD at 5:30 and had her call your Aunt Jill.  Grandma and Grandpa Brass came to the hospital right away since they live close and Nana, Papa, and Aunt AD arrived later that  morning.  Aunt J arrived later that day due to her long distance drive. Uncle M and Aunt S made it back too.



It was around 6:00 p.m. when you were finally ready to come out and greet the world in your peaceful sleep.  The labor was easy- I was mentally checked out as I was trying to understand how this could all be happening. 

You were born Jackson Thomas Brass at 7:21 on October 1, 2009.  You weighed 6 lbs 15 oz and were 21 inches long.  You were so perfect and beautiful.  You had your mommy's lips and your daddy's feet.  We don't know what color your eyes were, you opened them in Heaven.

We were able to hold you.  Your daddy gave you a bath and put on your brown GAP onesie and your little white hat.  You look so cute.  I had packed a pink outfit and a blue outfit since we didn't know if you were going to be a girl or a boy.  But I felt like the brown outfit was perfect for you.  Everyone got the chance to hold you.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to hold you, but once I did, I never wanted to let you go.

LisaKay is a local photographer that came in and took your pictures.  I wasn't sure I wanted to take pictures either, but after I saw how beautiful and perfect you were, I wanted every memory possible. 

About 11:30, we said our final goodbyes.  I wish I hadn't said good bye so quickly.

Father Paul came to the hospital and baptised you.  We will hold you again in heaven someday.  Some people dream of angels, I held one in my arms.

*that is our story from the beginning until we said our goodbyes.  I will write about the days after including his funeral in another post.